Saxon Hanwacker was a quiet boy who kept mostly to himself. A tragic freak accident took this man's life at the ripe age of 32. It all began on November 30th. While peacefully sitting on a park bench reading his favorite magazine, "Closet Star Wars Fans Anonymous" an ice cream truck stopped to give Popsicles to the children. Upon seeing a pretty lady and her daughter approaching he quickly hid his magazine incase she decided to ask him what he'd been reading. After a short conversation with the woman, her and her child left saxon's life forever and once again, being a hopeless romantic, he is crushed. Walking home to his one-room apartment in the Bronx, Saxon halfheartedly decided to commit suicide. Unfortunately, he had no real idea about how to do it. Not owning a gun and loving his precious knife collection too much to use one, he was stumped. Upon hours of searching online, he came up with only one satisfying result; suffocating himself with the exhaust from a car was the only logical way to go about it. The next day he went to the local Home Depot and bought a nice length of rubber hose. Being that he didn't own a car, he had to break into one. Luckily, he found an unlocked car with the keys in it. Finally, everything was ready and he turned the key. Just as he became drowsy he changed his mind and decided to start a new life and turned the car off. He was tired of being a New York Times custodian, so he decided to return to his true calling, mechanics. But just as he was about to get out of the car, the owner, a local drug dealer named, Jason Varitek came up to the car and shot him in the face for trying to "swipe" his car. Varitek, just another Red Sox failure, was later quoted as saying, "Well, if he was planning on killing himself anyway, why should I have to be criminally charged?" The charges on Varitek where dropped were later dropped. Saxon won't be remembered for much. He went to Purchase College and graduated as a Music Composition major and he had few friends. What Saxon will be most remebered for is the times he spent torturing his roommates girlfriend and being caught wacking off to porn by his roommate dan. Living with him meant bringing clean to a whole new level and omitting nearly all television from your life. Back in Swaglesworth, Saxon was a hometown hero! He brought home two crossword puzzle championships for his H.S. word-letes team. Though there are many other boring details to Saxon's life, no one really wants to hear about it. I'll leave you off with two famous Hanwacker quote, "Well, I wasn't really mackin' it" and "star wars is great just not around the ladies dan."

In the spring of 2009 Ringo Star is informed by his doctor that he has a fatal case of Entitelitis. Over the next several months his public appearances continue to dwindle until early August, when they stop altogether. By this time the odd's makers in Las Vegas had already suspected for several weeks that Ringo was sick, despite his record labels claim he was working on material. So when in early September an unconfirmed source leaked to the press that Ringo was fatally ill, they acted quickly in altering the betting line. On October 2nd the Las Vegas betting line had even money on the last surviving beatle being either Ringo Starr or Paul McCartney. On October 3rd it had Paul McCartney being the last surviving beatle by ten to one odds. This sudden shift went unnoticed by almost all of the mainstream gamblers in America. While betting on death came into fashion for a brief period during the late 70's, in the 2000's it was considered amoral by most people in the betting community.

Roger Lowquid was an amoral person, who liked to think of himself as a professional gambler. This, despite the fact that he worked for the post office. Betting on peoples lives gave him a sense of power, and that in turn gave him an erection. And so it followed that the quality and duration of these erections were directly proportional to the amount he bet. However he found that the more he used this technique, the less it worked. By the time he read the October 3rd betting line on the last surviving beatle, he had gone three months without arousal. It has been said that going without food for three meals is enough to drive a group of people to revolt, well going without an orgasm for three months was more then enough to drive Roger Lowquid to measures akin to revolution in their extremity.

October 10th, Paul McCartney is found dead at this home. After a brief investigation it was determined that the cause of death was anthrax poisoning from a chain letter the late singer had opened. The letter had originally been addressed to the U.S. House of Representatives, but through a mysterious sorting error had been delivered to McCartney's estate.

It's bad luck to throw away chain letters.

General Griffin was a 3 star general that disappeared from the military during the Rhode Island civil war in 2005. He set up a secretive underground base in El Salvador where he built up a military regime funded by his control of an underground movement of sponges. When the time came for Griffin to make his move for domination of Central America, he was hit with a severe case of unstoppable hiccups. He tried everything he could to get rid of them. He drank gallons of water. He tried to hold his breath. He even rented "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" in his effor to scare it out of himself. In the end, Griffin had to take a leave of absence from his command. Griffin checked himself into the C.U.N.T center (Clinic for Unusual and Nutty Treatment center) He put his second-in-command in charge of his military. The man that Griffin put in charge would end up ruling the world, and that man is Joseph C Chirachella. Griffin ordered Chirachella to make no attacks, fortify his location and tighten the control of his surveillance. Joe went against his orders and conquered Central America. In three months, he went on to conquer the world with his incredible persuasion and military skill. When word got to Griffin that Chirachella was moving across South America taking countries one by one. He demanded that Chirachella step down from his command. Chirachella responded by destroying the C.U.N.T center with a tomahawk missile donated by Joe's proud, supporting U.S. army. Griffin's hiccups suddenly ceased but so did his life.

Aloha Gang,

It's your humble site admistrator Sven here. First off, I'd like to apologize personally for the missing the deadline last Wednesday. There were technical difficulties involving a copy machine and a midget (all very common, day to day issues over here in good old Finland). So, as a very special repayment for lost entertainment, next Wednesdays update will feature 2, count em, 2 new future obituaries. So, in the meantime, please enjoy this cute picture of rabbit...'s brain.

Mahalo,
Sven

Nicholas Ducher has always been known to his family and friends as a very exhuberant fellow. Never fearing to speak what's on his mind, he hasn't always been everyone's favorite person. However, to the many who have come to know him, he is quite the exceptional human being. He was born in France in 1985 and grew up in the town of Lyon. After 6 years of living there, he moved to Paris where he had a brief encounter with a Jesus like fellow who taught him the true meaning of Christmas. Not quite a religious child, this encounter had little or no effect on young Nicholas. After a stint of living in Morroco from 1996-2000 his family moved to America, where he attended a French high school and upon graduating, was accepted to The University of New York at Stony Brook. Little did Nicholas know, his life was about to take a swift turn. He moved in, and met his new roomate, Jon. Jon and Nick didn't quite get along too well during their first semester together. They squabbled over many stupid issues frequently. However, despite their dislike for eachother, they had one similar love. When Jon first moved in, he brought a curious machine, one that the Frenchman was unfamiliar with because he was simply not American. The devise, known as the Gamecube, bound Nick to a most horrifying fate. They shared their similar interest in a game for the Gamecube known as Super Smash Brothers Melee, and through the game, a rivalry grew, and from that rivalry sprouted a friendship. Yes, Jon and Nick played their game every day, each day they grew more and more powerful in their abilities. However, their was one day when Nick finally surpassed Jon and the amazing accomplishment would also be his downfall. Jon accepted his losses at first, but over the course of the next two semesters, things got worse and worse. He began to lose to Nico consistently, and while their KO's were usually fairly even (although Nick's were always higher), it was clear who was the better. After his 3 semester at Stony Brook, Jon began to plan his re-emergence as the superior Smash Brothers player between the two. He spent nearly all of his Christmas break preparing for his next encounter with his rival. Upon being knighted by The Royal Super Smash Brothers Order, Jon felt he was finally prepare to beat Nick. The stage was soon set and the two fabled players once more battled brutally. However, after all the smoke cleared, Nick was still better and won the majority of the matches and had more KO's. This was a brutal shock to Jon and he finally couldn't take it anymore. Unsurprisingly, he soon began to plan Nico's death. Jon bought 10 bottles of concentrated Robotussin and began subvertively lying to Nick about his past experience with Robotussin and propositioned that they both try it one day. Nico, because of his accent and his unfamiliarity with American sarcasm, is very gullible and easily fell for Jon's evil plot. Jon, filled his 5 bottles of Robotussin, instead with Kool Aid while he gave Nick the real deal. They each drank their share and when Jon finished his, he bellowed "ohhhhh yeah" with great satisfaction. Thinking Nick would be too uncoordinated from the drug, Jon challenged Nick to what unexpectedly for Nick, would be his last round of Super Smash. They both made their way to the battle arena that was known to them as James's room and began to play. Nico's mind was heavily drugged by this point and he began to hallucinate. However, instead of becoming too messed up to play, Nick began playing better than anyone had ever played before. Within a matter of seconds, he had mastered the legendary "Wavedash" without even having learned it and even began to exceed the limits of the game. He played so well that James's Gamecube began to smoke and finally exploded into a cloud of smoke that almost seemed to spell out "You are truly the one." However, Jon was the only one to notice this and began to cry a sob that would last the next 2 months of his life. Meanwhile, Nick began to go beserk in a Super Smash based rage. He began to think he was Marth and start wailing on people nearby with a large metal rod. When the police finally showed up to take him away, he was speaking fluent Japanese and his actions were so violent that he needed to be handcuffed. They threw the troubled youth into the police car, and along the way to the station, Nick amazingly opened up the door to the car with his teeth, jumped out screaming "This is only my 500th suicide!!" and was run over by 10 speeding cars.