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How everyone's gonna die, in a nutshell. Updated |
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Wednesday, October 27, 2004 Saxon Hanwacker, A man afraid to admit he likes Star Wars (March 14, 1985- December 1, 2017)
Saxon Hanwacker was a quiet boy who kept mostly to himself. A tragic freak accident took this man's life at the ripe age of 32. It all began on November 30th. While peacefully sitting on a park bench reading his favorite magazine, "Closet Star Wars Fans Anonymous" an ice cream truck stopped to give Popsicles to the children. Upon seeing a pretty lady and her daughter approaching he quickly hid his magazine incase she decided to ask him what he'd been reading. After a short conversation with the woman, her and her child left saxon's life forever and once again, being a hopeless romantic, he is crushed. Walking home to his one-room apartment in the Bronx, Saxon halfheartedly decided to commit suicide. Unfortunately, he had no real idea about how to do it. Not owning a gun and loving his precious knife collection too much to use one, he was stumped. Upon hours of searching online, he came up with only one satisfying result; suffocating himself with the exhaust from a car was the only logical way to go about it. The next day he went to the local Home Depot and bought a nice length of rubber hose. Being that he didn't own a car, he had to break into one. Luckily, he found an unlocked car with the keys in it. Finally, everything was ready and he turned the key. Just as he became drowsy he changed his mind and decided to start a new life and turned the car off. He was tired of being a New York Times custodian, so he decided to return to his true calling, mechanics. But just as he was about to get out of the car, the owner, a local drug dealer named, Jason Varitek came up to the car and shot him in the face for trying to "swipe" his car. Varitek, just another Red Sox failure, was later quoted as saying, "Well, if he was planning on killing himself anyway, why should I have to be criminally charged?" The charges on Varitek where dropped were later dropped. Saxon won't be remembered for much. He went to Purchase College and graduated as a Music Composition major and he had few friends. What Saxon will be most remebered for is the times he spent torturing his roommates girlfriend and being caught wacking off to porn by his roommate dan. Living with him meant bringing clean to a whole new level and omitting nearly all television from your life. Back in Swaglesworth, Saxon was a hometown hero! He brought home two crossword puzzle championships for his H.S. word-letes team. Though there are many other boring details to Saxon's life, no one really wants to hear about it. I'll leave you off with two famous Hanwacker quote, "Well, I wasn't really mackin' it" and "star wars is great just not around the ladies dan."
link | posted by Sven Byliner at 6:10 AM |
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Disclaimer: At Future Obituaries, we will shape and reshape our world however we want in order to suit our purposes. Rest assured that while not all of the people we write about are really dead, they are to us. |
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