Hello Gang, it's your ever humble eyes and ears of information regarding the relatively soon to be deceased. I took a two week vacation to Russia (which explains the lack of updates, seriously). But now I'm back and as you are about to find out the news I bring from Russia (with love) is well worth your wait.

An American icon has been lost this month. He's been an idol for many young males across the world and has been called one of the most influential men in American history. I could only possibly be speaking of the beloved Mr. T. It will be quite a marketing wonder if someone doesn't capitalize upon his now immortal status by releasing "The A-Team" episodes onto DVD. Regardless of this, the passing of this great American must be told. He had been visiting Russia as well for the week leading up to his death. He was there to promote his newest book "Life in the Fast Lane with Mr. T." He had no idea how fast that lane actually was. The book, a compilation of a few of his "most extreme life experiences" put to print and guided by Mr. T's boundless wisdom, was released a few months prior and it's sales were failing miserably in America. However, the people of Russia seemed to think differently and the book was sitting comfortably as their number 2 best seller, only falling behind in sales to "Kraftwerk, an autobiography." Hoping to push himself to the #1 spot, he set up a promotional tour of Russia, planning to visit over 15 cities in a one month period. He was only able to make it as far as the capital before his very life came to a screeching halt. While at a national banquet sponsored by President Vladimir Putin himself, Mr. T was made the guest of honor and given a seat next to the president for the evening. Russia, as we all know, has been experiencing an incredible increase in the amount of vicious terrorism. Russian police were doing all they could to help stop any possible attempt to dislodge the comfortable atmosphere of the banquet. Yet there efforts weren't nearly enough. Ackmed Rhaman, a man from the disputed territory of Chechnia, had been invited to the banquet for his nationally renowned work on improving the efficiency of fusion reactors. No one suspected this highly scientific man of having any type of political agenda. However Mr. Rhaman did have an adenda. One he made perfectly clear when his first shot from a balcony overlooking the banquet hall hit President Putin's bowl of tomato soup, causing the president to scream in pain as the scaldingly hot tomato liquid leaped up and burned his face. Mr. Rhaman had time to unload one more shot before he was shot dead by several Russian Officers. From Putin's point of view the second shot was much less harmful, as it struck Mr. T right between the eyeballs. Sceams and panic engulfed the banquet hall and both President Bush and Putin where said to privately declare November 11th to be Mr. T Day. America and Russia will no doubt be in mourning for quite some time. It will take the full strength of the entire country to recover from this brutal blow. In closing, I leave you with a heartfelt quote from our departed hero: "Any man who don't love his momma can't be no friend of mine!"