Future Obituaries will not be updated till January 5th. I'd apologize for any inconvenience, but I really don't care about your damn feelings. I plan on enjoying a very merry Finlandish Christmas.

-Sven

Lyonel Howard was a forty six year-old unemployed loser. Not having had a substantial source of income for the better part of a decade, he didn't even qualify for the title out of work. He would have been homeless too, had it not been for the fact that his father, due to his deep-rooted hatred of the human species, decided to bestow his great fortune upon Lyonel's dog, Highway 61 Revisited. As Highway 61 Revisited's name suggests, Lyonel was both a bob Dylan fan and absolutely insane. However, due to the large sum of money he sort of had control over, Lyonel was merely considered an eccentric by the materialistic society he inhabited.

One day Lyonel overheard some people on the subway talking about how someone had died on the toilet. "Just like Elvis!" One said laughing. It was then that Lyonel realized that your death is in fact the single most important part of your life. Here were two people laughing at Elvis Presley, the fucking king of rock and roll, all because he happened to have died in a rather embarrassing position. While not as celebrated, it's the same situation for Jim Morrison, who died while sitting at a child's birthday party. Thurman Munson is still remembered as a hero in New York, despite committing a horrendous 45 errors in two seasons from 1974 to 1975. All because his life was taken prematurely in a plane crash. Fate can be a fierce and fickle mistress.

And then it hit him. Bob Dylan was 71 years old. He was bound to drop dead at any moment. What if he died at the movies or something? Junior Mints in his pocket. Everyone would remember him as a feeble old man that drank diet coke. It was then that Lyonel Howard swore Bob Dylan could not, and would not be laughed at by people on the subway, especially ones that put mustard on their hot pretzels. No, old Bob was going to die in a manner befitting a musical visionary. He was going to be eaten by a cougar. For truly Neil Young was correct in asserting "it's better to burn out than to fade away."

The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan was watering some plants in his back yard when Lyonel opened the cage door. Having gotten his scent off of a tattered scarf, the Cougar charged at Dylan. Then, to Lyonel's horror, his hero pulled a buck knife out of his boot and proceeded to carve up Flap Jacks, the cougar Lyonel had stolen from the circus. Dismayed by the bloody site in front of him, Lyonel Howard proceeded to take a revolver out of his back pocket and fire three shots at the folk rock icon, killing him. Having been very thorough in his planning, and having already thought out such a situation, he quickly wiped his fingerprints off the gun and placed it in the dead cougars outstretched paw.

In the end Lyonel Howard got his wish. Bob Dylan did not fade away, and die of some natural, embarrassing cause. In fact his death at the hand of a "mysterious psychotic," as the New York Times would report, did nothing but add to his legacy. Assuring no one would ever forget the 20th century's greatest song writer. However, only one major newspaper, "Quah News! ," a "progressive" paper based in downtown LA, actually printed that Bob Dylan had been fatally shot by a Cougar that had escaped from a traveling circus. This was most likely because they where the only paper in existence at the time that was unaware of the fact that Cougars lack the digits necessary to operate firearms.