Brian Posehn, perhaps best known for his credit as "Additional Voice" in Disney's feature length animated classic "Brother Bear," awoke on an empty beach located in the outskirts of Los Angeles. Disheveled, he splashed water on his trade mark scrubby face then began to pray. Suddenly the world around him fell silent, and then mere seconds later in a rather overly grand entrance complete with gongs, Death incarnate appeared. "Wait a moment," Posehn pleads, but Death is quick in his reply "You all say that, but I give no respite." Brian is on the spot now, he has to think at an excruciatingly fast pace as his time on Earth is rapidly winding down...

And then he had it, in a stroke of pure genius that was perhaps attributable to the fact he had seen a certain movie about a bogus journey fourteen times, he had found his reply. "You play chess, do you not?" Death was caught off guard, as Posehn continued, "I have seen it in paintings." Death conceded that he did in fact play, and proceded to produce a board from under his cloak. The rules were simple: To the winner went Brian's life. Posehn then shuffled a pawn of each color behind his back and Death, rather appropriately, choose the hand containing the black pawn. With his mortal soul on the line, Brian would go first.

He advanced his queen-side bishop's pawn two spaces to initiate the English opening. Death responded quickly by advancing his king pawn two spaces, playing a reverse Sicilian defense. Brian is fucked. He knows it, and he knows it because he has no idea what the English opening is, let alone the reverse Sicilian defense. A mere thirteen moves later it is evident that Death is in control, as he wins a rook and crushes Poshn's defenses. But wait, the Dark One acted with too much hast, a miscalculation, perhaps born of arrogance. Regardless, staring Brian Posehn in the face was a blatant loophole, a way out... a move that would force a stalemate. Bishop to D-5, check.

Stunned, Death acknowledged the draw and consulted his handy pocket manual for what to do next. Brian would never forget the last thing Death said to him: "Well, uh... You're technically immortal now." A fairly crappy last line, Posehn would later claim that "Keep on rocking in the free world," was in fact the final thing Death said before he descended "on a dark stagecoach." But most folks just don"t believe old Brian's crazy tales.

Despite his immortality, Posehn eventually does cease to be on his 260th birthday when the sun unexpectedly blows up and takes out the entire solar system. As it turns out, God likes to answer one prayer a week as a mater of principle. He selects this prayer randomly, and grants it no matter what the outcome may be. Well on the day in question one Ronald J. Hauss was fed up with the world and more then anything else bored. He had no sympathy for the devil and wanted to go out with a bang. He got his wish.

A final note from the Author

Please insert this quote at the beginning or end of Posehn piece - Sven.

"And when the lamb had opened
The seventh seal...
There was silence in heaven about
the space of half an hour
And the seven Angels which
had the Seven Trumpets...
Prepared themselves to sound."