Ronald J. Hauss [ July 13, 2206 - July 6, 2226 ]

Ronald J. Hauss lived the life of a wholly insignificant human being, and would have been recorded as such in History, had he not destroyed it. For, as it turns out, he destroyed human History along with the rest of the solar system when he blew up the Sun.

It all started one morning when Hauss rolled out of bed and decided to make pancakes. His alarm clock read 4:00 p.m., but he could have sworn it was Sunday. When he got to his kitchen and realized he had none of the ingredients necessary to make pancakes, he decided to simply destroy the Sun instead. After all, it was something he'd always wanted to do. If only he had a ship with strong enough heat shields that he might crash it into the sun. Since no such ship existed, he did the only logical thing and prayed for one. Five minutes later his pancakes were done and he was growing restless. Could God not hear his prayer? And just as Hauss contemplated this last part, God almighty appeared before him in a convenient and predictable plot twist. Taking the form of George Burns, God explained to Hauss that yes, he could hear well enough, and had come to answer his prayer.

With him God brought the ship that Hauss would need to ensure the solar system met with a proper end. To really pull off the plan with some style though, God asserted, Hauss would need a copilot. Furthermore it was essential that, for reasons far beyond the limitations of human conception, this copilot be Dennis Hopper... straight from the set of the 1969 film "Easy Rider." Hauss agreed and in the blink of an eye found himself sitting next to Hopper, strapped into the driver's seat of a rocket with its controls set for the heart of the sun.

God recorded their conversation, for his records-

Hauss: So, ummm, can I call you Billy?

Dennis Hopper: No.

Hauss: Oh, ok then...

Dennis Hopper [now in character]: Ah, just kidding man! You can call me Billy, or Tonto, or whatever the fuck you like man.

Hauss: Even Phillis?

Dennis Hopper: No man, not Phillis.

Hauss: Ok, Billy it is.

Dennis Hopper: Right... Now, what I want to know dude, is how come you seem to know about the movie I'm working on when we have a closed set?

Hauss: Well, it's very simple really. I'm from the year 2226, and the other day while making breakfast I decided to blow up the sun. The next thing I knew God showed up with the keys to a brand-new space ship, and handed them to me on the condition I take you along for the ride.

Dennis Hopper: Oh, I see. This makes perfect sense.

Hauss: Really?

Dennis Hopper: Yes... someone clearly dosed my coffee this morning. Must have been premo-shit too... this is quite a fucking trip man.

Hauss: Well, sadly this is no LSD-induced hallucination. It's all really happening...

Dennis Hopper: What ever you say man... but just what exactly is that thing coming up fast in front of us?

Hauss: Why, its our end... everybody's end... everything's end... the end.

A final note from God: Believe it or not, but the solar system didn't go out with a bang... it was more of a 'ker-pow!'